Emotional Abuse: The Silent Soul Killer

It’s estimated up to one in four women are subjected to domestic violence each year.

Lots of people see “domestic violence” and their brain jumps to physical violence. Often left in the dark are verbal and emotional abuse.

You see, there’s something especially tricky about emotional abuse. It’s almost always unrecognizable to outsiders…until they witness it. It comes out in more ways than yelling, or calling someone names like fat and ugly.

Verbal abuse isn’t surface level. It penetrates your heart and soul, until they become too callous to recognize the pain any longer.

Telling the Difference Between Arguments & Abuse

An argument is resolved with communication. There’s no communicating with an abuser- only complying.

Abuse is more than a disagreement. It is deeper. It’s creating a floor built of eggshells, one that you’re constantly worried to walk on. It’s living in a bizarre headspace, where hearing their footsteps incites panic. Not because you’re afraid of being hit, but because you’re sick to death of anticipating what it is you’ve done wrong. What are they going to punish you for next?

For every ten things you do right, they’ll make sure to point out the one fault. Here is an example: you spend hours cleaning your home, and it’s sparkling. But, you didn’t mop the kitchen floors. In seconds, your hard work is minimized to nothing. How lazy you must be to leave out such an important step of cleaning!

Control

Abusers feed off of control.

I hate to compare myself to Pavlov’s Dog, but, in a way you become conditioned to the constant belittlement. Even on the abusers’ best days, they take jabs at your self-esteem to maintain control.

They’ll convince you everyone around you is crazy (including you), and do their best to isolate you. And oftentimes it works.

In the case of verbal abuse, the victim is acutely aware of what they need to do. They’re scared. They feel out of options. It’s not playing games or stalling, it’s feeling too paralyzed to take action. It’s being convinced it’s easier to stay than leave. The cycle is exhausting, and creates a numbness to the outside world.

Verbal abuse is like depression or panic attacks. Unless you’ve personally experienced it, it’s nearly impossible to understand. It’s easy to tell someone to leave. Don’t you think they’ve heard that 100 times? (I’ll answer that question, yes- maybe even more)

When you’re the victim of abuse, your identity is stolen. Unable to be yourself, you morph into a strange compliant alien to avoid chaos. But the chaos never stops.

When you’re the victim of abuse, you feel shame and embarrassment. You feel weak, and alone. Sadly, sometimes when you’re not alone, life can feel the loneliest.

Abuse is not cause and effect. Your actions do not make you deserving of it.

Breaking Free

I didn’t write this to provide an escape plan (I’m still working on that), rather to remind you you’re not alone. If you’re like me, you may have noticed the countless publications on the subject all sound pretty similar. Leave. Don’t engage. Set boundaries. These suggestions also suggest the writer has never experienced the toll of emotional abuse. Unfortunate plot twist: you cannot set boundaries with an abuser, they don’t work. Not engaging sends them into a rage, so by ignoring them, you’re actually engaging.

If you’re questioning whether your partner is abusive, remember the following: Name calling is not normal. Name calling is not okay. Being screamed at is unacceptable. Disagreements do not require instilling fear in another human being. That’s called bullying.

Because emotional abuse leaves no outside evidence, it’s completely normal to feel scared, and even embarrassed, to open up to others. What I can tell you, is confiding in someone you trust is key. It’s common to question yourself, wondering if you really are dramatic or exaggerating (things your abuser has undoubtedly accused you of). You’re not.

Having someone there to remind you of your worth is invaluable.

Trauma is out of your control, but healing is in your hands.

If you’re struggling in an abusive relationship, I recommend going to https://www.psychologytoday.com/us and finding a local therapist to talk to. If you’re a reader, pick up a copy of Psychopath Free and Whole Again. Both are incredible books that will remind you your feelings are valid.