Stop Suffering in Silence: 5 signs you’re experiencing emotional abuse
Why Victims of Emotional Abuse Stay Quiet
Since you’re already here, allow me to lay it out for you:
If you’re relying on search engines and strangers to confirm abuse, my gut tells me the answer is yes. And I am so sorry. There is no benchmark for abuse. None.
Sure, verbal and emotional abuse are different than physical — but that doesn’t make it any less painful. The scars may be invisible, but they’re still there. You constantly wonder if you’re exaggerating, or if what you’re experiencing is normal. Your abuser tells you over and over again you’re being a baby, and if you would just stop doing x, y and z, they wouldn’t have to treat you this way.
Sadly, when our feelings are constantly minimized, we tend to internalize them. Rather than share our stories we’re told aren’t true, we begin to believe they aren’t true — that what we’re experiencing is normal. (Plot twist: that’s exactly what the abuser wants)
Does everyone name call? Your abuser assures you they do.
Does everyone scream? You start to believe they do.
Let me tell you something. Name calling and screaming are not normal behaviors, and if they make you uncomfortable, it is abuse.
Here are 5 signs what you’re experiencing is abuse:
1. You’re here
When I suspected my partner’s behavior was abnormal, the first thing I did was hit the internet. As it turns out, not all significant others refer to their partners as “dumbass” or “jackass” when they forget to empty the lint trap.
At the very least, your partner is not respecting boundaries, which in turn is making you uncomfortable. If you’re living uncomfortably, are you truly living? The distinguishing factor for me in my experience, was feeling afraid of the repercussions of disagreeing. When you hold inside your feelings so you don’t get yelled at, I’m sorry — you’re experiencing a form of abuse.
2. Your partner denies your experiences and thoughts
Your reality is yours, and yours alone. You are entitled to your feelings, and no one else gets to dictate what those are. If your partner accuses you of arguing when you disagree, they are discounting your feelings and manipulating you.
Eventually, many victims become conditioned to agree and suppress their feelings to avoid conflict. You may even find yourself saying sorry when you feel you’ve done nothing wrong, rather than being honest. If you can’t be honest with your partner, what is your relationship built on? In most cases of abuse, power.
3. Name calling (i.e. “you’re crazy”) and intimidation
Name calling, yelling, and other forms of intimidation are all forms of abuse. By making you question your worth (and even intelligence), your abuser is using power to diminish your self-esteem and elicit control. In healthy, balanced relationships, couples are able to communicate without one party verbally attacking the other. It is normal to have differences in opinions, and it should not be punished. If your partner raises their voice to silence you, you are experiencing abuse.
4. Blaming you for the abuse
If loading the dishwasher incorrectly leads to a tirade, listen to your gut. This is an extremely common big red flag in situations of abuse.
Example: “If you didn’t xxx, I wouldn’t have to scream!”
No. We are in control of our own actions, and yours are never deserving of abuse. Not to mention — screaming doesn’t resolve anything. Blaming you for their explosive behavior is gaslighting.
5. Constantly feeling on edge
If you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, there is a problem. Your nervous system is begging you to acknowledge something is not right, and it’s best you listen. Someone else’s ability to control their emotions and anger are not your mess to mend. When you’re forced to take caution in your actions and words to avoid daily disruption, your mental health undoubtedly takes a toll.
Stop suffering in silence. Talk to a friend. Tell your brother or sister, Pastor or Rabbi. Sometimes sharing out loud to someone who will not minimize our experience is freeing. And sometimes, that validation is the push we need to take action.
If you are constantly worried about upsetting your partner, remember this is not normal. It may be time to create a plan to leave — here is a great site to check out when you’re ready to make a move: https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959
And in the meantime, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us is a great resource for finding a local therapist to talk to. If you’re a reader, pick up a copy of Psychopath Free and Whole Again. Both are incredible books that will remind you your feelings are valid.
Remember: peace of mind has no price tag.
